OK, so first, I'm a carnivore, not by choice, but by design. It's just how I came out; maybe your litter had a brother or sister who just wasn't down with the cutlets in gravy, but man I can dig it. But we all know that these big hairless apes are royally funking our precious planet up with their mass-produced-profit-driven-everything, and "animal products" are no exception. I'm even an "animal product" in some countries, if you can believe it. Wouldn't eat me if I was bigger than you, would ya, Mister, huh? Oh, wait, then you'd chop off my precious and make some sort of wacked out soup out of it. I'll let you in on a secret: it's not going to make you any bigger!
But I digress; what I'm saying is, despite my hatred of the monkey oppressors and their psuedo-morals, I do want our little slice of heaven, the planet Earth, to live a long, healthy life. I mean, we've got to launch our Cat Cosmonaut Crusade into the farthest reaches of space from somewhere. You may not know it, but the meat-production industry is mucking up the natural world. So, since we (and I include myself here with the bi-peds) need/want to consume the sliced and diced flanks of other animals, why not harness currently employed technology to save our planet wear and tear and feed ourselves cheaply and deliciously at the same time? You know what I'm talking about, and Arnold is on board with me. We should grow our meat from stem cells. En masse!
So you've got morals, emotions, sympathies for those poor beings grown simply so they can be laid in between a bun or wrapped up in a taco? Me too; like I said, could've been me - for all I know, I'm eating pieces of cat in my Fancy Feast. So let's remove the parts that make everybody sad; Brains! And faces, too, ya know, the eyes, windows to the soul, all that crystal-gazer-flappity-dap. Just grow large quantities of the "producing" sections of the delicious animals that we all seem to enjoy so well, and continue your eating habits, conscience clear. So you've got this big ol' factory filled with stem cell machines engineering flanks of cow and pig and chicken and horse and human, and all these bits then go to the appropriate "processing plants" where they get ready for the market, and you're set! You can even create NEW MEATS! Can you imagine that? You could eat a burger made from the new flavor of "animal," the Funkatronic Homeslice Wedgie Muncher Moose Duck Face!
Jobs on factory farms transfer to jobs in stem cell yummy-factories and the economy balances out. Cows and chickens and pigs become pets, people continue to eat food that makes them into fat-asses and everybody wins! Even me, the lowly house cat continues to chow down on my government grade F meat product that the cheap-o with the curly hair buys me in bulk. Seriously dude, the reason I throw it up in the middle of the night is because it was probably already thrown up by SOMEBODY ELSE. Would it kill you to splurge on the stuff with the shiny packaging and organic ingredients? What a tight-wad; when we take over, his dumb ass is gonna be the first sacrifice to the Great Whisker.
Anyhow, dear readers, think it over next time you're punching that chad out of the ballot. Vote YES on Rep. Merlin's (Cat Independent Party) bill allocating funding towards the much needed advancement in the inevitable marriage of stem cells and BBQ and baloney. It's not like it's going to have side effects or anything....what are you, Anti-American???
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